Monday, August 31, 2009
Out of pills...in pain...having no
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Deep Fears
Awww...signing up for this blog took long enough to help me catch my breath. Just five minutes ago I was crying so hard it hurt. You can feel the chest deepen with every tear, small thoughts of worry dragged out into a loud desperate cry.
It seems that I'm not done yet. Hot drops roll down my blotchy face...
My body hurts so bad right now, I'm low on pills. I've been in bed most of the day except for my failed attempt at swimming. Today was the day I was to double the dose of long acting Oxycontin. From 30mg 3x a day to 60mg 2x a day. Today is Saturday, most drug changes purposely happen when my Boyfriend is on His days off. He's my leader, my protector, my sanity. If something should go wrong with the changes, like they did today, He is there.
I woke up as usual with the stiffness, groggy, desire to go back to sleep. I took all my meds including provigil. That should help wake me up. Two hours later I wake up again and take my pain meds. Oxycontin 60mg & Oxycodone 30mg. Almost 2pm, I grab my purse, towel, and keys. Briefly chat with Sam (forgetting to remind Him of the dose change), drive to Starbucks, get a drink, comment how hot it is outside, and start trying to read my book. This is all a daily ritual for me. When I've spent enough time at Starbucks, sipping Mocha Frapps, reading, chatting with random people, I finally make my way to my gym where I go swimming. Today...I tried to read my book but couldn't focus, my Mocha Frapp made my stomach sick, and I was so hot I felt like fainting. I got in the water...felt great...I had no strength to swim. I felt myself start to have trouble maintaining a safe position in the water. I'm shaky, surely not feeling well at this point. Get out of the pool, I find a towel, and ask the front desk girl to get my phone from my car. She calls Sam from my cell, by this time I'm having a hard time functioning. He comes to rescue me. He sends me to bed right away...and here I am. I have spent most of the day trying to get through a drugged feeling that turned into a hangover.
So I find myself crying because I'm hurting so bad...and THIS is what I will have to experience the rest of my life?
My name is Anese. I'm 31 yrs old, no kids, not married, I live with my Boyfriend, and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia May 5th 2009.
